Music: Green Man Festival 2010 - The Greenies

With a sad look on my face I returned from wet and wonderful Wales, and from the Green Man festival. It was my virgin visit to said fest, which had arguably the most premier of all the line-ups of the year, depending on your taste. Joanna Newsom, The Flaming Lips and Doves were the headline acts, but for me it was further down the bill, and on the other stages, where my weekend was made.

In honor of this great coming together of music and idiots (myself included), and to recognise those acts that put the cheese on my cracker, I have forged an illegal awards ceremony (keep it shtoom) called, simply, The Greenies. Henceforth come the guests...RELEASE THE DOVES (this ceremony is brought to you by John Woo)...


1) THE JESUS QUINTANA AWARD FOR BEST ENTRANCE...
...has to go to THE FLAMING LIPS, who made the effort to emerge onstage from a fifteen foot high projected image of a light-emitting woman's love cave. As the dancing beauty, all neon green and pink and shapely, lay on her back and spread 'em, the musicians strolled out of a strategicaly placed door and down a ramp to take their positions. Then Wayne Coyne, frontman of choice for many a pant-wetting muso (put him next to Thom Yorke and that's 500 million copies of Q magazine shifted right there), rose from the floor into an inflating zorb/spaceball and rolled his way over the crowd before setting off the confetti cans and releasing the giant balloons. Not something he hasn't done before, but damn does it kick things off right!

2) THE NAPOLEAN DYNAMITE AWARD FOR BEST ONSTAGE DANCEMOVES...
...is given to DARWIN DEEZ and his band of wigglers and jigglers who, inbetween almost every number, wandered into formation at the front of the stage (the poor drummer was up and down like Paris Hilton's knickers) and whipped out some quite unexpectedly brilliant shapes to eighties classics and disco beats. Highlights included a bop to "Do The Bartman" and a slide to "Single Ladies". There was also a strange, slightly fascist, crowd participation session involving fist-raising. It could have gone horribly wrong, all of it, but in the end it was very tongue-in-cheek, and a giggle.

3) THE JOE PASQUALE FALSETTO PERFORMANCE AWARD...
...could easily have gone to the most wonderful, beautiful, slightly unhinged Joanna Newsom, and the judges had some very strong words with each other about this one (I was outside but I heard "twazzock", and I don't want to name names but Keith, if you're reading this, totally uncalled for), but after the dust settled it was decided that the mighty WILD BEASTS are deserving of this high-pitched accolade because of their ability to provide not one but two lead vocalists with the ability to sing like their nuts are in a particularly tight vice. Hayden Thorpe and Tom Fleming, here's to you. May your skill in hitting the high notes remain unharmed and intact. Love you both.

4) THE GERMAINE GREER "CHEER UP LOVE" AWARD FOR TAKING EVERYTHING TOO SERIOUSLY...
...is being fought for by a number of acts who took to the stage as if they'd just been given some horrible news. These New Puritans' frontman Jack Barnett was a veritable whirlwind of mono-syllabic self-importance, and Laura Marling, though a stunning talent, could really do with a good tickle. But the award this time goes to JOHNNY FLYNN, who played a set in which his very brilliant songs were undermined by a look on his face that would make kittens cry. Maybe he thought he was auditioning for the new Michael Haneke movie. Who knows. We found him later on watching a band with his family, and we congratulated him on his performance before very politely asking for a picture. His reply was "seriously?". Then we took it and he left sharpish. Can't wait to get that cracker back from Boots...CHEER UP JOHNNY. WATCH SOME PYTHON FOR FUCKS SAKE.

5) THE MOTHER BROWN AWARD FOR BEST KNEES UP (IN ASSOCIATION WITH BANJOS)...
...goes to the loveable MEGAFAUN, whose humble and goofy nature was accompanied by some serious hoe-down fun of the most enjoyable kind. Banjos ripped, voices whooped and hollered and arms went into the air as they stormed the stage for their forty five minutes. Mumford and Sons were similarly raucous, and drew probably the biggest crowd of the weekend for their main stage party, and various acts in the Chai Wallah tent brought their horn sections and trilbies along for the ska party, most notably the Sheelanigans, who were Irish and Yiddish in equal measure and a thrill to behold, but Megafaun were a band whom, by the end of their set, had every single person in the tent chanting and stamping like possessed Carolinian believers. They also brought Tallest Man On Earth onstage for a number by inviting "all of our friends back their, or anyone who fancies, to come sing it with us". Joyful.

6) THE CHIROPRACTORS ASSOCIATION AWARD FOR SERVICES TO SPINE-TINGLING...
...is going to leave Mumford and Sons empty-handed once again I'm afraid, though they ran a good race by defying the success-hating music nazis and providing a fair few moments of touching togetherness in the crowd. Fanfarlo as well did their best to emulate The Arcade Fire and soar over the soggy fields. A few goosebumps were delivered all across the line up in fact, with The Flaming Lips triumphant "Do You Realise?" and the first few notes of Joanna Newsom's encore of "Peach, Plum, Pear" causing the audience to collectively hold on to each to, like, feel the love. But for me, above all else, it was the majestically euphoric set by BEIRUT that brought the hairs on almost every part of my body to stand up, and in particular the wave of horns and harmonies of "Cherbourg", and the anthemic and apt chorus of "I will lead the way, oh, lead the way, when I know" that brings the song to a close. Everything went a bit hazey round about that bit. Could've been the continuing flow of Aspalls cider in my veins. Maybe a bit of both.

7) THE ROYAL VARIETY GENERALISED ENTERTAINMENT AWARD...
...is intended to recognise the achievement of something or someone at the festival that wasn't performing on a stage but that still provided the weekend with precious entertainment. This year there were many, many contenders for the honour. Alcohol is, as ever, a serious contender, as is the mud and of course the hills, and when the three combined we were witness to some tumbles worthy of an olympic diving medal. But this year a major upset has been caused by the sudden storming to the title of THE CHILDREN. Usually noisy, intrusive, and unwelcome wherever there's booze and swearing, this year the children provided endless entertainment, whether it was spontaneous games of cricket outside the second stage that drew crowds of hundreds in quick time to cheer and sing and call for referrals, being so desperate for empty cups to take to the bar in return for cash that they could bribed into impersonating Alan Shearer and his now legendary celebration, or even allowing one certain chap to borrow their diablo (a toy filed next to fire poy and cocktail juggling as a sure fire route to being a wanker) and then attempt a trick that resulted in the same child being hit in the face by the silly plastic peanut-looking. For all these reasons, children have taken the award, and good luck to you all. Now go Shearer to the end of room and back for this half drunk lager. There's a good plaything.


Well that's it! All over. And what fun we had, didn't we? Now let's all just sit back and wait for next year to roll around so we can do all this boo-ha again.

For those of you interested, there were some other awards handed out, and these are listed below, but unfortunately I can't be fucked to elaborate on them. ADIOS!!! x

Other winners:

THE DAVID BLAINE AWARD FOR MOST INSUFFERABLE MUMBLING ONSTAGE - Mountain Man
THE CSS/MGMT AWARD FOR MOST OVER-HYPED ACT - Egyptian Hip Hop
THE "WHO SORRY?" AWARD FOR LEAST APPRECIATED ACT - Tindersticks
THE ROBERT PLANT AWARD FOR SERVICES TO ROCK AND ROLL HAIR - Sleepy Sun
THE GLASTONBURY AWARD FOR HIPPIEST MONUMENT - The wish tree...
THE JARVIS COCKER AWARD FOR BEST PROTEST - The note on the wish tree that read simply "I wish this tree would fuck off!"
THE EBENEZER SCROOGE AWARD FOR BIGGEST BUZZ-KILLER - The frumpy little girl/toad thing that stopped us from dancing on the pub stage in the late late hours of Saturday night...we were all the way up there, having a nice time, not causing anybody any harm, not drawing hitler moustaches on the DJ, not sacrificing lesbians, nothing. And then she started prodding us like a twat and telling us that we weren't allowed. Well we went for it again fifteen minutes later with an army and she couldn't do nuffink! We just sat there and sang bohemian rhapsody like the pissed up knobs we were. HA.